Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Changes in a Relationship

Kind of like a sequel to "Ctrl + Z" and "A Million"

[By relationship, I mean it's definition - the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected. Not necessarily (i.e. not in the context of my personal point of view) but also possibly including a romantic relationship.]

There comes a point where everything changes between you and a person. You feel different - not in a good way. You feel alone. It feels like the loss of a person.

The intuition

Somewhere in the back of your head, you have this feeling but you suppress it into the very back because you are in denial. You don't want it to be true - no wait, the thought doesn't exist, right? It was just one of those weird moments. It means nothing. It's all okay. Just brush it off and be happy. "Feel on the surface, don't question things or it'll get complicated," you tell yourself. If you doubt it, forget it. You're still best friends and you will still shower him/her with love because that's what you both do. Wait. He/she hasn't done that really. Bad thought. Forget. Best friends forever.

Mixed feelings

The inner thoughts become controlling but only of your subconscious. Denial still persists. You begin to do things and say things but you don't know why. You don't want to know why. You avoid the person one day and but then want to talk all day the next. You don't know what you want. You decide to distance yourself so that you can maybe find out what you want because you don't want to be so moody and indecisive. So many feelings overpower your mind that you stop feeling; you become numb to emotions. Going along with life trying to avoid that person because you can't tell what's right or what's wrong and you can't deal with all these thoughts that have flooded your mind because you pushed them back so far as if mimicking natures' tides.

Over thinking

You remind yourself of all the times you were not happy with the person. All the thoughts you neglected now mean so much. You feel the emptiness in the relationship and you think "Was I a fool to believe we were on the same page? Did he/she ever care or was it actually genuine in the beginning but faded with time?"
They say time heals but it doesn't seem like that to you. Every day you are emotionally drained by thinking about why he/she doesn't care or why/she doesn't have the same feelings as you have for them. You are exhausted from all the thinking and all the energy you have put into it. You almost want to surrender and just pretend like everything is okay and go back to him/her and "forgive and forget" but somewhere inside you, you know that isn't what you should do. That'll never work in the long run.

The blow-up

Fighting and arguing and now it's actually real and not in your head. Now it's you fighting against him/her and fighting your own mind. It's two against one. You want apologies from the other end and you want a meaningful message to end this once and for all but things don't happen in reality like the way they do in your mind. It's actually the complete opposite. A few weeks of not talking and a few days of crying, but nothing changes. Everything is brought up in conversations like lava brought out from Earth's core. Actions - regrettable. Words - irreversible. The events are engraved into your mind. The relationship's structure changes and you can do nothing about it.

The storm calms

You both decide to be the bigger person and move on from the events. There are two main thoughts. "This is a relief and I am so happy" & "Can I ever move on?". It's you being indecisive again but as if at a lower intensity. There are neutral conversations to try to bring back up your relationship to where it was again; like setting the second foundation.

The temporary bounce back

You are ecstatic and filled with hope...so glad this could work out. You fall in love, again, with the idea of being close to him/her. But that's the problem. It's only the idea. You actually are torn between reality and your imagination once again - but you don't realize it just yet.

Back to reality

Once the initial feelings fade you realize that it isn't the same. You just made yourself feel that way because that's what you wanted. The idealism of your relationship is not the reality of your relationship. You have now become the Pip of Charles Dickens you called a "fool". Estella was never meant to be yours. You feel different about him/her and your relationship.


It definitely is different than before. You haven't talked about it, but you know. There are no sparks. You do have fun when you're together and you still may have some kind of relationship but there's no depth in it anymore - it all washed away with that tide.

It isn't over but neither is it solid anymore. It's that in-between area that you never knew existed. It makes you feel like you're hanging. Good news is that you understand the reality now and accept it. You don't waste time thinking about it or spending energy on ways to fix it. You let it be, because it was never meant to happen. You occasionally think about it, but you've come to terms with it.

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