Saturday, October 29, 2016

Ctrl + Z

October 29, 2016 0
Sometimes shit happens.
Ugly. Unnecessary. 

The Happening: In the heat of the moment, nothing seems terribly wrong. You convince yourself that what is happening is supposed to happen. Sometimes you aren't even thinking. You convince yourself that it is the end, so you don't try to make amends, you don't try to put a filter on what you say, you don't think before you speak/take action. You are convinced that it is a chapter of your life ending.

Nothingness: Then there is a period where there is a cast on your mind, blocking it from emotions and reasonable thinking - a continuation of your delusion that what you did was completely right. If you are like me, at times you block out every thought and emotion, every voice in your head and when it all gets too much there's a wave of all those emotions you kept putting into the "spam" folder.

Confrontation and Further Delusion: Depending on the situation, after a particular amount of time, you finally give in. You may want to take the blame or may want to finally get in touch with your emotions and the person/people involved and have a conversation. Maybe both those options fluctuate in your mind. You may regret what you said or what happened, you may want to open up to someone, you may even have fake conversations with that person in your head - hear it in your head the way you would want things to go. You may desperately want to make amend because you realize you miss the person. All these options may fluctuate in your mind, confusing you. The fake conversations you have raise your expectations and hopes of the outcome but you want what you want so bad that you believe the potential lies your brains tells you

The Dilemma: You sort it out but something feels different...
Sometimes you want something so bad but after you finally get it, you don't want it anymore. It's the weirdest human behavior. Time and effort fades your desire into nothing. You start to question yourself 'Why didn't the conversation go like it went in my mind?' 'Why do I feel so neutral now?' ' Does that mean that I never truly wanted it?'. You know somewhere inside that you want it, but the series of events that took place exhausted you and exhausted the enthusiasm in you for that thing/person/relationship. Somewhere in your head, you know it was the incident that caused this change in feelings, or at least you make yourself believe that even if it may or may not be true.

Ctrl + Z: The situation ruined it for you. The emotions are different, even though you don't want them to be. They aren't bad, just different; not with the same intensity. You wish things hadn't happened the way they did because change isn't your favorite thing. Change isn't comfortable. You wish you could undo what happened - undo everything you said and did...but life isn't a computer. You can't pretend something never happened by just clicking Ctrl + Z.