Wednesday, August 10, 2016

// A Million //

A million voices in my head. One says “let go”. One says “attack back”. One says “it was meant to be and you couldn’t control the situation”. One says "it was your entire fault". One says "wait a little darling, you'll find some comforting hands". One says "You'll be lonely forever, try as much as you can". One says “you’ll get over it; time will heal your wounds”. One says “you’ll be punished forever and you will have scars to prove your tragic past”.

A million reasons to forgive yet I chose the million to deny. Drama tears me up inside yet for it i still strive.

A million reasons to be open and say what i feel, yet i choose to go on the blinding road that lures me with the hope "you don’t have to speak, they should understand".

A million things left unsaid keep me restless all day long. Who said things are better left unsaid? Nothing is better left unsaid. Those unborn words swirling in my head keep me a million miles from sanity. I go over the same thoughts a million times but i don’t let them spill...and my stupid reason for not saying them out loud is because the timing isn't right? As I question the lack of logic in my mind i still persist to walk the same way.

A year ago I thought everything was in place; my life was planned for 10 years straight. It was step after step, nothing was supposed to change...and then those million opinions shot at my face. Do i do what he said or she said or what do i even do? So little time and so much to decide, I refresh that same search in Google hoping for new things to pop up, it’s like looking in the mirror repeatedly for a new face to appear.

A million things I did wrong that I cannot change, but they have left a scar deeper than anything that has been. Since when did I become this person who trembles on stage? Who fights to keep her tears in their place? Who gets anxiety attacks and panics over every little thing? Who cries on her birthday because she wants to be all alone and stuck in one place?

A million reasons to believe the universe has well in store for me but a million different people who want to make it seem differently.

A million reasons to trust someone. But only one reason suffices to make me trust no one.A million voices in my head that tell me she was wrong and I didn’t deserve it, but there’s still one voice that says forgive all and move on. They say one voice is powerful enough but why can’t I listen? That one voice might be right but it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t wrong. I make myself believe I am a good person, but I still have the urge to explode over those who hurt me and then I blame it on my sun sign when I don’t even believe that deeply in horoscopes.

People have had misconceptions about me for as long as I can remember and it’s not their fault because maybe I just project like that. But it kills me to know that there might be no one who will ever know who I really am, and just believe naked assumptions with no open-mindedness or proof.

I am at a point where I have to start over with some things that I haven’t had to do for 7 years. It’s scary and lonely out here. Is this what the world is like? Or is this “world” just in my head? Not trying to play the victim, and even if I’m the reason, doesn’t make it easy.

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